The Undisclosed Best Friend
by jessawolfgirl
Summary: You have all wondered about me, dreamed about me. Now, know me - the real me. All Human, real-life parody.


**A/N:**** Thanks for coming to our little corner of FF! Welcome! We hope you enjoy your stay here. We are two sisters who are best friends and like to take the piss out of almost everything!**

**We hope that you enjoy our little story here.**

**It's our first one, so please go easy on us!**

**Disclaimer:**** We don't own anything and mean no harm to anyone living or dead.**

**Now: On with the show!**

**The****Undisclosed Best Friend**

Let me set the scene........

We were in the shower stall, oh, how I loved showers.

They could be _so very_ good, so therapeutic.

He looked over at me, doing a little dance.

Sometimes I think he does it to mock me, he knows how I love to dance. It pisses me off sometimes when he hints at it, but nothing ever comes of it.

"Do you know how many people write about you, all about you? What you look like, how beautiful you are?

"It's funny really, I don't know what you could do with that, you must think you're hot stuff, but I know you, not that I don't think you're great, but that is some pressure you're under.

"But you never let me know what you really think about it all."

He gave one of those laugh type snorts.

I didn't find it funny, I found it flattering. It gave me a much needed ego boost, since _nothing_ much else was going on.

I don't get out much and when I do, I feel rather suffocated, like everyone is staring at me. Well truth be told, they _really do_ stare. It's like they're praying for x-ray vision.

They are trying to figure me out, wondering what I'm really like. Wondering if I live up to all the hype. Wondering if I'm this superhero or if I'm really just normal under it all.

I know that some want to know me, just for the sake of getting to know me and then being able to blab to some stupid rag or gossip blog, announcing that I am in fact really nice, so boringly normal or exaggerate to the point it wouldn't be believable. Any of that would be embarrassing.

I won't let it get that far, not that I haven't been tempted. Temptation is always there. It would be so _very_ easy for me, get it out of my system and all that. But I'd hate myself the next day. That and everyone I know would rip me a new one.

So..................not worth it.

Eeehh, I'm trying to get used to it. But it does get hard when I feel I have a target painted on me wherever I go.

I noticed the first stirrings when I was about 13. Getting attention from the opposite sex was welcoming, to say the least. I was doing alright, nothing to complain about.

It wasn't until he went into his chosen profession, that attention to me got out of control. My quiet nights went away.

Not that I wasn't into having fun, I was. But the attention could get overwhelming.

They tried to grab me, just so they could say that they touched me, sometimes it hurt. And the grabbing made me feel so nervous. But I still react. I mean, how could you not?

The screaming bothers him sometimes, he tries to keep his game face on, but I know him too well.

We'd known each other for as long as I could remember, so we always knew what the other was thinking.

We always knew that our brains were wired the same way.

That's why we are such great friends.

They always go on about his hair, but I know many a thought goes to dreaming of mine.

He always lets me know when he sees an attractive girl, maybe she has a friend? Lately it's been just the one for him, He's got a crush on her, no one could blame him for it, but despite what people say, nothing's going on. She seems ok, nice, smart, nervous type, you know? But nothing's going on.

I'd prefer to get to know her friend, she seems more interesting, more my type. But, like I said, nothing going on there.

It would be rather uncomfortable for everyone if I did meet her friend.

So I try to be mature about it and not sulk about the situation.

Sucks for me.

So he tries his best to keep me away from the prying eyes. I guess it keeps me safe from all the scrutiny I'd be under if I just ran wild. But I do wonder what it'd be like if he just let me be me every once and a while. Just to see if the scenery has changed at all. I guess he's just trying to look out for me, you know, best friend and all.

But no such luck.

Like I said; sucks to be me.

He's a little nervous and shy, so am I. But I tend to be a little bolder than him most of the time. This has caused many uncomfortable moments, sometimes argumentative ones. He gets annoyed and has stern words with me when I do things at the most inappropriate times. I can't help myself half the time. It's hard not to be jubilant when the moment asks for it.

I hate the travelling sometimes. It's nice to see different places. I wouldn't mind sometimes to sample the local flavour, if you know what I mean. But no, I can't do that! God help me if I do anything that will reflect badly on him. His 'people' try their hardest to keep his 'image' clean.

Before all of his success, he was a wild one and we had some great times, we could really let loose, you know. Don't let whatever he says fool you, we were both lucky in that department!

But now things have changed, can't do that anymore. So I've had to reel myself in. It just gets so hard, especially when a cute girl shows some interest. My first priority is to protect him because anything I do will end up on him.

Then I end up missing out...AGAIN!

Again, sucks to be me.

He always tells me that I'm the one leading him astray, I put him in situations that he likes and wants to be put in, but he can't do anything due to his image', and of course the gossip, and I'm the one that's the 'bad guy'. But I don't think so, I like my quiet nights, just as much as anyone, but I'm a young fella that likes to have fun, you know, go sow my wild oats, release some tension and all that.

But I've been good, well, I do have thoughts about _that_ friend, hey, it's healthy!

I also have a great imagination!............I have to, it comes in great use and it's not like I can rely on reality to give me my thrills.

He can pull the chicks in, he always has. Even when he says he never could. He's just being modest, the poor guy. He doesn't want to say or do anything too bad. He never had a problem there. Doesn't help with my cause, because he tells me to hold back he tells me I'll get him into trouble that will be hard to get out of.

Sometimes he wishes that I wasn't around, when I do things at the wrong moment. He gets so exacerbated.

All the hype surrounding him leads of course to his Best Buddies. Everyone thinks that we are all, the end all and be all of bedroom knowledge. Trust me, all of us have sized each other up in the trough's of the loo (if any guy _ever_ tells you that they haven't, they're _lying_) we are all just _average_ guys.

We don't have any magic that we use in the bedroom (or any other room... or the expanse of the great outdoors – those days are long gone with his fame unfortunately – oh how I miss that - those were the days. We know what to do to make it good, but it always helps to have a little help along the way, a little instruction, both ways helps. But we aren't huge, nor do we have the girth of a large coke bottle. If we did, we would be passing out all over the place.

Any guy takes a peek, slyly of course, just to have a gander at the competition, you know, see what they're up against. No funny business!

Let me tell you, that guy that plays Emmett, watch out for that one girls, that thing is no way beautiful, just scary. He's no a coke bottle either, just slightly above average.

I'm just average, I don't think it's beautiful, all of those things are ugly, nothing beautiful, believe me. We just hang out all over the place. But I have had no complaints in that department. Woman are just so much neater, we just look messy.

He's proud of who he is, all guys are, even though we do get complexes. What's the saying? 'It's not what you have, but how you shake it?' Believe me, that's right. Fantasy is great, don't get me wrong, it makes the world go 'round, but the let down to reality is just not good. But it's all we got, so we have to make the most of it.

I get a complex because people think I'm something that I'm not. It's nice to be talked about, fantasised about and written about, it is nice.

Gee you guys can write, watching porn isn't the same anymore, you've all blown that out of the water. But I can't hit that spot, can't do that. I think that it would take great study with the masters (whoever they are) to achieve that.

But I don't want any misconceptions of me. None of us do. We are just normal blokes that do all the normal human things that you all do. Probably fart more than you, but that's probably down to a good curry more than anything else.

Even drool a lot.

Drooling, it's a guy thing.

Oh, okay. He's back to the talking thing.

"It's amazing really. None of these people know you, yet they can write pages upon pages about how magnificent you are. Like they're your best friend or something. Which is bullshit seeing how close _we_ are. It's rubbish!"

Oh God.... here comes the jealousy bit.

He gets like this every so often. Wondering why I'm written about more than he is. Personally, I think it's the whole mystery thing. Girls dig it... apparently. I wouldn't really know; lack of exposure and all.

The man just can't stand not being the focal point at all the times. Never mind the fact that no one would even think twice about me if it weren't for him. He brings it all on himself. But somehow it's all my fault. I can't help it if people find me intriguing.

Maybe there is like a support group for me.

There would have to be, somewhere... I dream of it.

A support group like "How to deal with Celebrities and their egos"

Just so I knew the how's, what's and why's of this brain fuckery.

Seriously, it's a lot to deal with.

He thinks I get way too much attention – the jealousy.

The endless talking about how it affects _him!_

He's got the image of the "Good Guy" you know, the one you bring home to Mum and Dad.

I'm the bad guy, through and through.

He resents me for it.

I think he wants to be the bad guy for awhile.

He could be the bad guy, but there goes his reputation, his people would let him have it. I don't understand that, plenty of "Bad Guys" in this industry that get away with it.

And Ladies and Gentlemen, were back to the talking......again!

"Really, look at me, just look at me! I was voted one of the most beautiful people in the world, not to mention one of the most influential! And they _still_ go on and on about you! Millions of people around the world, young girls to Grandma's for fucks sake _ADORE_ me! They swoon just looking at my face! I've seen them pass out in front of me!"

"They may mention my looks, but the majority of it is focused on you!"

"Beautiful my ass"

Do you hear what I have to deal with?

Mind you it's not like this every day. Most of the time we don't mention it.

I do react, just to see his reaction and watch him carry on like this, for a laugh.

How rude of me, I've blabbed about myself for so long and have yet to formally introduce myself.

I am the one you write about.

I am the one you dream about.

I am the one you think about.

I am the one you talk about.

I am the undisclosed best friend.

I am Robert Pattinson's Penis.

And I don't have a vagina allergy.

**JESS - **

**This started out when I think stupid things, really I do. I rant a lot too**

**I have no way to stop thinking or the ranting either, I literally can't turn my brain off, that's probably why I over think things all the time and I can't sleep properly. During the non brain turn off, I've had many non-clean thoughts about Adam Duritz. My Mum thinks he's a hairy wombat, I could not disagree more. Terrible Mother.**

**Anyway....**

**I sent my sister an email, we were email tagging for a while one night and I like to say things just to get a reaction or a shock from her. So I was thinking about how RP said that he reads or has read, some of the FF. Amongst the talk of Rick Astley, bog bodies, Gordon Ramsay, apple and pear crumble and giving blood, a thought came to me.**

**Now I been an avid reader of FF for a long, long time, love what you guys do, love it! I have a hell of a lot of admiration and respect for you ALL. Reading these great stories is also a cause for the not sleeping, cause I literally have to tear my laptop out of my hands.**

**A lot of the fic's have written about how, ahem, big Edward (and in some case's RP) is.**

**Now I know that all of this is steeped in imagination and especially fantasy. Ahhh, what would we do without fantasy?**

**Anyway, back to emailing my sister, I sent her this email:**

"**I've wondered when RP is in the shower; he looks at his peen he says "You know that people write about you"**

**And you just KNOW that he's done that**

**Just sayin'**

**Now she'll tell you her reaction, but I'm sure she thought I truly lost my mind.**

**But I KNOW that he would've at least thought about it, who wouldn't? I would.**

**But I LOVE to read and I am eternally grateful to you guys for working so very hard to entertain us all. THANK YOU!**

**Anyway, that was my stupid and my sick (oh the things my brain comes up with) mind, that came up with this. So I proposed to my sister that we write this little one-shot. I hope that no one was offended, that wasn't the intention. We were just taking the piss out of the situation. Hopefully you'll like it. It's our first time, so go easy on us!**

**And please remember to click on the review button and leave us some love!**

**BEC - **

**Ok, so that's my sister ladies and gentlemen. But hey, I gotta love her. She's the 'special' one in the family. =)**

**Anywho... original idea, no? My first reaction when I was first told of the idea was 'ha-ha funny joke Jess.' But then I checked my inbox a few days later and guess what? It wasn't a joke. I read the beginning of it and just cracked up, added my two cents and voila. There you have it. **

**I'd like to take the credit, but this little gem is a product of my darling sister's mind. However, our ideas mesh well together, so, I hate to say it (ok, not really) but I got what she was saying throughout this interesting tale. Exaggeration is a funny thing used by people throughout the world and it was just fun to make note of it all.**

**So who knew that Rick Astley + Bog Bodies + Gordon Ramsay + Fruit Crumbles = RPattz's penis monologue. **

**I didn't, but I sure as hell do now.**

**Anyways, thanks for reading. And please review. It will be muchly appreciated.**


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